Creative Brand Communications


December 15, 2015

Top 20 Modern Cracker Jokes Revealed.

  • Wordsmiths and quick-wits challenged for a third year by Gold to put their spin on the traditional Christmas cracker joke
  • Quips about Ed Miliband, Jeremy Clarkson and Jose Mourinho got the nation giggling
  • Twitter competition keeps gags short and snappy for best Christmas cracker laughs

London – 15 December 2015: A joke about Ed Miliband longing to get into Number 10 has been voted the funniest in a list of original modern Christmas cracker jokes, with 24% of people voting it their favourite.

 The gags topping the list also includes puns about Jeremy Clarkson’s Christmas punch, Darth Vader’s turkey preferences and Wikileaks’ festive ‘sauces’; as voted on by the public. This was all part of a competition by UKTV’s comedy channel Gold to find the best new festive funnies.

Amateur wits and comedians were once again challenged to write their own modern festive cracker gags for the competition, which were put to a public vote to reveal the winners.  The competition was started in 2013 after a poll revealed that 72% of the nation thought cracker jokes are outdated and 70% found themselves groaning rather than giggling as they share their cracker jokes on the big day.


The Top 20 funniest festive jokes for 2015 are revealed:

1. Why does Ed Miliband like advent calendars? He gets to open the door to number 10. (24%)

2. I told my Granddad to go to Amazon for his Christmas shopping. He phoned me two days later from Brazil. (23%)

3. Why were Jeremy Clarkson’s colleagues excited to try his mulled wine? Because they’d been floored by his punch (16%)

4. How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey? On the dark side. (15%)

5. Why did Santa pour Lemsip into the chimney? He was coming down with the flue. (14%)

6. Why don’t Volkswagen hold Christmas Services? They get the readings wrong. (13%)

7. Why is there no Champagne at the Chelsea Christmas party? Because Mourinho got rid of the Fizzy-o. (13%)

8. Why was the turkey at the Talk Talk Christmas party such a mess? It was hacked. (13%)

9. Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star? Beyon-sleigh (12%)

10. What do Wikileaks staff have with their Christmas turkey? An anonymous sauce. (12%)

11. Why won’t Tom Jones be carol singing this Christmas? He’s lost his Voice. (12%)

12. Why didn’t people like the new Apple Mac themed advent calendars? They didn’t have any Windows. (12%)

13. Why doesn’t anyone trust Jeremy Corbyn to put up the Christmas tree? Because it always leans to the left. (11%)

14. My gran knitted me a really embarrassing jumper for Christmas this year. It’s got fifty shades of grey. (9%)

15. What happens when Jedis get up too early on Christmas Morning? The Force Awakens. (8%)

16. Who saved Santa the job of creating a naughty list? Ashley Madison. (7%)

17. What did Taylor Swift do when she was covered in snow? Shake it off. (7%)

18. What are Little Mix saying to Perrie this Christmas? Forget about the Zayn deer. (5%)

19. Why does Len Goodman insist on a selection box at Christmas? Because he enjoys a good Twirl. (5%)

20. How do we know what Father Christmas has for dinner? He posts it on InSantagram. (4%)

Jokes just missing out on making it into the top 20 included puns about the Great British Bake Off, FIFA and hipsters.

Entries were submitted via Twitter and shortlisted by a panel of Gold judges (led by comedy expert Bruce Dessau), before being put to a public vote of 2,000 British adults. The top six jokes are included within bespoke boxes of Gold crackers which were presented to this year’s winners.

TV channel Gold’s annual joke competition celebrates its ‘25 days of Christmas’ schedule, which aims to get Brits laughing their way through the festive season with best-loved comedies such as Blackadder, Absolutely Fabulous and Gavin & Stacey.  So loved is the channel’s classic comedy schedule in the festive season that it has been officially renamed Christmas Gold for the whole of December 2015.

Comedy critic Bruce Dessau, who headed up the Gold judging panel, says: “So at last Ed Miliband has won a vote this year. Maybe it’s not the same as getting into Downing Street but it must be nice for him to know that he has not been forgotten by the British public. There are some cracking jokes in this year’s top 20 and some cheesy ones too, but that’s what makes Christmas crackers so popular. It is good to see Jeremy Clarkson on the receiving end of a punchline and with Star Wars returning to our screens it’s absolutely right that Darth Vader should return for Yuletide.”

Steve North, General Manager of Christmas Gold at UKTV, says, “It’s fantastic to see that the great British wit is alive and well. There were some brilliant submissions, and these top 20 jokes are testament to our excellent sense of humour and love of a cheesy, Christmas cracker joke, as well as highlighting some of the moments of note throughout 2015 itself.”


The author of the winning joke, David Lawrence, received £1,500 towards a holiday and a box of Gold Crackers, one of which will contain his own joke.

All of the jokes voted on by the 2,000 British men and women are original content to the best of Gold’s knowledge.

 Christmas Gold’s ‘25 Days of Christmas’ is showing festive TV favourites every night throughout December from 7pm



Latest Articles